walking on a broken road

B-I-N-G-O

2010-02-07T09:01:00.001-08:00

February 6, 2010

Happy 66th birthday Momma!!!

Mom at Bingo!!!
She gets sillier with age....and THAT'S a good thing!

Me & Abs....She loved, loved, loved Bingo!

Momma, Hannah & Abs, all set up & ready to start...

Fussing with their crab legs...

Abbi has some serious crab leg cracking skills!

Yesterday was a fabulous day!!

All highs and NO LOWS!!

Woke up to the sun shining and the birds singing...literally!!

Coffee with the husband was very nice fuel for my love tank. Abbi had a friend over and they set up an obstacle course in the front yard for Roxy & Lulu. There was a moment when I was standing out front watching them run around in circles, out of breath, squealing and giggling and wrestling, that it was like....freeze frame....the image before me flooded my heart...like a Hallmark movie moment...and I melted.

Randy was trimming the trees and brought my attention to the fresh, sweet buds on the branches. They popped out overnight. Spring is around the corner...not just in our front yard but in our life.

Sparkling new beginnings.

Preston had a friend that I adore spend the night. That sounds weird, doesn't it? He's just a super cool kid. I was even thinking that he would make a mighty fine son-in-law some day...don't tell Abbi!! For a second I was sad to leave what we have here. What we have here is good. What are we doing?? Then I remembered what my friend said to me...it's good to leave when things are good. And she's right.

I was not going to let the day slip away without a walk in the sun...I desperately need my Vitamin D!! To my surprise...SHOCK would be more accurate...Hannah offered to walk with me. So we walked together. Gorgeous afternoon, glorious sunshine, girl talk. Another freeze frame.

Us girls took my mom out to celebrate her birthday last night. They drug me to the Chinese Buffet...which always means a horrible nights sleep because I am so paranoid that I am going to get sick & die that I wind up tossing & turning & praying all night long for God to please, please, please protect me from food borne illness. But, because I love those people...I went. They ate ten pounds of crab legs. While they fiddled with those silly things, I ate my Hot & Sour soup and I prayed my Chinese food buffet prayers. Silently.

We thought about going to the mall but I decided that we should go play Bingo instead. First of all, I hate the mall. Secondly, I have never played Bingo in my entire life. Thirdly, my mom is now a "senior citizen" and aren't they supposed to play Bingo? Last of all, my friend won the other day...750 bucks!

So we spent the evening at the Bingo hall. It was a hoot! Just look at the expression on my mom's face!! You ain't gonna get that at JC Penney's!

We didn't win any money but we walked away with some unforgettable memories.

Freeze frame.

Gather ye roses while ye may, old time is still a-flying; A world where beauty fleets away....is no world for denying...

2010-02-04T07:15:00.000-08:00

February 4, 2010

Happy LOVE month!!

February 14 became one of my most favorite days with the birth of my very own sweet Valentine fifteen years ago, Hannah Grace.

Still, I like Ashton Kutcher's perspective:

"I hate Valentines day!...I think every day should be a day of romance," he says. "Then, on Valentine's Day, you should get to tell whoever you hate that you cannot stand them. There would be one day of hating, and 364 days of love."

Today is my father-in-law's birthday. A few days ago, it was my mother-in-law's birthday and in a few days it will be my mom's birthday! Then Hannah's, then Bailor's!! Whew!!

I am beyond thankful that I have each and every one of these ones that I love in my life and that they are healthy!!

You know that saying...."your days are numbered..."?

I believe that our days here on earth are numbered and I am extremely confused about why we don't live our lives more aware of this fact??

Everything can change...just like that...you know.

I know of a mother of two, in her forties, that passed away unexpectedly yesterday. Last Thursday she was here...with her husband, son, and daughter...going about her daily routine. Today she is gone. Just like that.

I have a beautiful friend that has been diagnosed with cancer. I cannot stop thinking about her precious son, daughter & husband and what they must be feeling right now.

I think of her and I think of me and I am ashamed that I am grouchy, unmotivated, and oblivious much of the time.

My dad suddenly died on May 8 of last year. I cannot let my mind go back to the last time I saw him because it tortures my heart. I keep thinking...

"Hello?? You knew he wasn't well. Inside, you knew that moment could possibly be the last chance to love him....just like you know it every single time you say goodbye to anyone that you love...yet you rush...still....and what in the world for????"

If I could go back to that day, the one thing that I would have done was held his hand as we watched Preston play baseball together.

I would have reached out, taken his hand into mine...and just held on.

The Human Touch

'Tis the human touch in this world that counts,

the touch of your hand and mine,

which means far more to the fainting heart

than shelter and bread and wine;

For shelter is gone when the night is over,

and bread lasts only a day,

but the touch of the hand and the sound of the voice

sing on in the soul always.

Spencer Michael Free

I think that we should all take the advice of the very wise Mr. Kutcher (who would have thought??) and have one day per year to get all of our hating out.

Then we could celebrate 364 days of love.

364 days of expressing our love in sweet little notes, putting the feelings of our heart into action,

and sharing chocolate!

364 days of holding hands...

Ready or not...here we go...

2010-01-16T20:01:00.001-08:00

February 1, 2010

WOW.

All I can say is wow.

I could dive into this blog and go one hundred different directions all at once but that might confuse you. Plus my head is already spinning.

So I will try to contain my self.

I'm sure you didn't notice that I failed to blog even once in January.

I sat down numerous times to say something, anything, but...

zip. zero. nada.

I was so in a weird place.

It was a brand new year and everything was wonderful and I needed to be excited when I took out my lovely, fresh calendar full of blank boxes just begging to be filled with marvelous & exciting adventures.

I needed to be filled with motivation and gratitude and clarity and a sense of purpose that would rock this house in 2010 but....

not so much.

I was t.O.'ed too. Because gross...I hate feeling that way.

I'm pretty positive I've never looked older, uglier, yuckier

AND I know I've never felt more blah.

So.

It's going along like this and it's getting closer to the end of the month...time to draw a big fat X over January and flip to February and I am going "really?...just like that the first month of a beautiful new year comes and goes and REALLY??...it's gonna be like this???"

Then. Out of the wild blue...my husband informed me that God informed him that it was time. We were going to start a new life. (NOT a human life!!)

This is the point of the story that could get a little hard to follow because it really makes no sense YET makes all the sense in the world at the very same time.

It's ludicrous and wonderful. It's exciting and terrifying.

I don't want to bore you to tears but I do so want to share my weird news!

Let me break it down.

We have never been more secure financially. (Thank YOU Jesus!!) Never been more grounded, stable, connected to one another.

We seemingly have everything that matters.

Health, our home, lots of love.

But strangely...

we are missing the mark.

What is "the mark" exactly?

Darned if I know but we are absolutely, without a doubt, convinced we are definitely missing it.

We have known this for quite some time.

There have been innumerable signs that God was holding some sneaky plans behind His back. These signs have been totally obvious.

However, we had NO IDEA what to actually do or when to do it so we have just been hanging out...waiting on God to say "go".

We still have no idea what we are doing or how to get it done.

God is still holding the "plans" somewhere out of my personal field of vision.

But the exciting thing is, He has shown us that we are ready for the first big step!!!!!!

It is time. Time for action...whatever that looks like.

This is what God has specifically revealed to us in the past week:

1. There is a ministry/church home for us in Austin, Texas.

2. We are to move to Austin as soon as our house sells.

3. Our house is to be put on the market ASAP. (If you know anyone in the market for a super cool house in Corpus Christi.....)

That's it. That is what we know for sure right now.

God has been so good to us.

We owe him everything that we have and everything that we are.

He had a massive amount of work to do in our hearts and lives to prepare us to be even remotely useful to Him.

It floors me that He would even care to bother.

Yet, He more than cares.

Like I said at the beginning of this post....

wow.

Jeremiah 15:19

"....if you repent, I will restore you

that you may serve me."

I got nothing that I asked for...but everything that I had hoped for

2009-12-29T15:13:00.000-08:00

December 29, 2009

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,

I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey...

I asked for health, that I might do greater things,

I was given infirmity, that I might do better things...

I asked for riches, that I might be happy,

I was given poverty that I might be wise...

I asked for power, that I might

have the praise of men,

I was given weakness, that I might feel the need for God...

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,

I was given life, that I might enjoy all things...

I got nothing that I asked for---

but everything that I had hoped for.

Almost despite myself, my unspoiled prayers were answered.

I am among all men, most richly blessed.

Christmas HOME.

2009-12-22T14:31:00.001-08:00

December 23, 2009

No Place to Go

The happiest nights I ever know are those when I've no place to go,

and the missus says when the day is through:

"Tonight we haven't a thing to do."

Oh! The joy of it, and the peace untold

of sitting 'round in my slippers old,

with my pipe and book in my easy chair,

knowing I needn't go anywhere.

Needn't hurry my evening meal

nor force the smiles I do not feel,

but can grab a book from a near-by shelf,

and drop all sham and be myself.

Oh, the charm of it

and the comfort rare;

Nothing on earth
with it can compare;

And I am sorry for him

who doesn't know

the joy of having

no place to go.

(Edgar Guest)

Life is a dot to dot.

2009-12-17T15:31:00.000-08:00

December 17, 2009

Waaaaaaah!!!

ALL I WANTED WAS A CHRISTMAS PHOTO!!

#1. I wanted the whole family in it.

#2. I wanted everyone to look halfway decent.

#3. I wanted everyone to smile.

That is all I wanted.

But what I got??

What I got was...

an Ellison version of the third world war.

That's all.

Hello?? Preston?? I don't know where you think the camera is.

That's ok.
We'll just try again.

Hmmmmm. Hannah would be a waitress if you slipped a towel over her arm.

And Abbi? She's a little distracted by the party taking place to the right of us.

One more time.

Yoooo-hoooooo....Hannah.

Over here.

All six of us, looking in the same direction & smiling for one measly

photograph...yes! actually! It IS too much to hope for!!!

And I can accept that.
I am a realist. We tried. We failed. I can move on in life.

The fourteen-year-old daughter? Not so much.

I just didn't realize how important the annual Christmas picture is to my Hannah.

Until today.

Upon returning home from school, she noticed that we had decided to use a family photo taken earlier this year while we were in NYC as our Christmas card picture.

We tried to get the right shot in November (above pics) but we had a rough time that day!!

Usually, we get a snapshot of the kids in front of the tree...which is what Hannah assumed we would do. Only we hadn't done that yet.

Sooooo, Randy suggested that we keep things simple and use the NYC family pic, I agreed, and that was the plan.

Randy & I had printed and trimmed the pics and sealed up over half of our Christmas cards when Miss Hannah announced that there was NO POSSIBLE WAY that picture was going to be mailed out to the entire world!!!!!!!!!!!!

To which we responded, "Uh. Oh yes. It is." and continued about our business. Since when is it necessary to consult the children about our Christmas picture choice when they make the entire process of getting one a nightmare to begin with????

People.

I am still confused about what happened next.

It's a blur.

I have never seen anyone FREAK OUT to this extent over an unflattering photograph...that wasn't even unflattering!!!

Tears. Screaming. Panic attack. Accusations. We hate her. We are trying to destroy her. We are horrible, evil, demented human beings.

I am not exaggerating.

I totally tried to put her in her place but she was so distraught that it was quite amusing and I honestly could not even keep a straight face...errr....uhh...

an angry face.

As the scene continued to play out,

it became down right hilarious.

I wish you could have been a fly on the wall.

Free entertainment.

Twilight Zone. doo-DOO-doo-DOO-doo-DOO-doo

Bailor jumped in with his two cents.

Preston & Abbi were right behind him.

Randy, poor thing, he is a lover NOT a fighter. He was in shock.

He can barely handle my drama, let alone teenage girl drama.

Let me just tell you. It got ugly.

Screaming, insults, threats, name calling, and yes....even a few punches were thrown.

Wow.

All over a Christmas picture.

or vanity.

or hormones.

or pent up anger.

Whatever the root of the craziness was...it was still the Christmas picture that started the whole thing!

The sad thing is, if it wouldn't have been a Christmas picture, it would have been something else.

Granted, the chaos today was a tad over the top...

but the reality is,

half of the time I feel like I am living on the funny farm!! (that was my dad's word)

And it isn't funny. It's stressful.

What goes on behind our closed doors is...scary.

I am just being honest.

Think about what we're dealing with.

I am extremely emotional and high strung.

Then there's Randy. Extremely non-emotional and oblivious.

Two teen-agers...

Bailor: know-it-all & family critic.

Hannah: tells you how the cow ate the cabbage (my mom's saying) and will chew you to shreds in a New York minute.

Two pre-teens.

Preston: highly annoying & an expert at instigating trouble.

Abbi: sneaky & plays the system (from what I hear from the others...of course she is my baby and I just don't see it)

Three dogs.

Two of which are yappers.

What does that sound like to you???

Remember when I ran away from home in August??

Now you can see why!

As I recovered from WWIII, I was feeling depressed.

Where have we gone wrong?

What in the world kind of madness are these children capable of??

What kind of mother am I???

Why doesn't Randy scare some sense into them????

They all need beatings.

Daily.

Then I remembered a scene from a random (very silly) Ashton Kutcher movie that I caught the tail end of the other night.

The Ashton character was having a hard time figuring out why he and his new wife were fighting so much and why things were going wrong if they were in love with one another.

He was having a heart to heart with his dad and his dad said this to him:

"Some days your mother and me loved each other. Other days we had to work at it. You never see the hard days in a photo album...but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next."

I LOVE THAT!

Think of a dot to dot.

When you look at someone's scrapbook, you don't see the daily struggles that are the lines connecting all of the dots that are the pivotal moments & happy, fun memories.

When you look at my Christmas card picture, you will see only the end result...

the dot

that was that moment when we all smiled and looked at the camera

at once.

The thing is...without the lines,

the dots wouldn't connect.

Kellie + George = not happening in 2010. POO!!!

2009-11-30T17:56:00.001-08:00

November 30, 2009

To remind me of my life-long affection for a certain British chap...this is what I must settle for...

a mere photo...

when Mr. bossy husband says NO ma'am, you absolutely may NOT go to that January concert!!!

All because it just so happens to be taking place on another continent.

Like that's anybody's fault. grrrr.

I'm truly disturbed by the injustice of it all.

I mean, you wash, fold, & dry someone's dirty underwear for almost twenty years, you slave in the kitchen practically twenty-four hours per day, you GIVE BIRTH to FOUR of his offspring (one of which was a hair under TEN pounds!!), I could seriously go on & on....and one little old trip to the land down under to see my George is too much to ask??

What-ev-er.

Whatever.

Alls I'm sayin' is I can sooo look like this every single day...from now on.

It would be too easy.

SNUGGLE UP TO THIS, BA-BY!!

Preston

2009-11-28T18:13:00.000-08:00

November 28, 2009

This is Preston Luke Ellison...

my November baby.

Here he is with his "date." She's invisible.

Preston is unique.

He pushes my buttons like no one else and loves doing it. Turning me into a crazy person is his hobby. And he's good. He is real gooood.

Oh, but he is my delight!

Preston is sensitive, generous, intense, insightful, hilarious, entertaining, opinionated, zany, and he has a beautiful heart.

He is growing up way too fast. It's killing me.

When he was in kindergarten, he got shingles....a ridiculous, horrid affliction!! The doctor said that it was unusual for someone so young to get shingles and went on to suggest that maybe he was a nervous child. Ha! He isn't nervous, he is passionate. That's what I say!

In 1st grade, he got into trouble every day at school for terrorizing his teacher. That poor woman. I'm positive that she will never forget Preston. When we questioned him about WHY on earth he misbehaved for her, he explaind that every morning he planned to have a good day. He would ask God to help him behave. However, the minute saw his teacher, she would take him over to the "dark side." He said that he always started the day off on the light side but when he got to school found himself going over to the dark side.

What do you say to that?? I thought it was stinkin funny. A little scary...but mostly funny.

In third grade, I became his teacher. We've visited the dark side together. Not fun. Those trips are becoming less and less frequent...which is great...except...it means my ornery little boy is maturing. Sigh.

As proof, I would like to share a little poem that he recently wrote. It's good stuff.

Do you wish upon a star for a palace with a hundred rooms?For a huge pool and servants that tend to your every need? For tables filled with fresh food and cups of every kind of drink you can think of? For the newest toys and the best video games? For all your friends to be jealous of you because of your expensive clothes? For you to be the smartest in the class...all A's, you say? For super powers so you can save the world? But, why have these things?

Did you stop to think of how your life would change??

Why not wish upon a star to be happy with the way things are?

I think that wishing to be happy with the way things are, is indeed, a fabulous suggestion.

Especailly at this time of year.

Don't you?

Thank you, Preston & Abbi, for cracking me up every single day.

2009-11-18T18:18:00.000-08:00

November 18, 2009

Ok. It has been a million years since I have blogged. For me to be able to write, I must be inspired. Alas, I have not had many inspirational moments lately. However, tonight, I did have an awesome little laugh.

And I just have to share.

On our last visit to the public library I noticed that they had a sign posted saying:

Chess Club
Wednesday evenings @ 6:30
All ages and skill levels

Well, well. My kids LOVE chess. I brought the sign to Abbi's attention and she agreed that it would be fun for her & Preston to try it out.

(They also have knitting lessons on Thursday evenings. Who knew!)

So, anyway! Today is Wednesday so the plan was for the kids to go to Chess Club at the library at 6:30. Couldn't wait.

When we got to the library I told them to run in and ask what time it the thing ended so I would know when to pick them up.

By the way, I was dropping them off (not staying) because:

a) they were together (buddy system)
b) the library is practically around the corner
c) I needed to go home and be in a house with NO CHILDREN, if only for an hour or so. I NEEDED TO. Oh, how I needed to.

They ran into the library. I waited. And waited. Finally they came out, with somewhat disturbed expressions on their faces. I rolled down the window.

"Well??" I said.

"Ummm. It's all old men in there." they said.

"So??" I said.

"It's kinda weird. There are tons of them." Abbi said. "I don't think I want to stay."

"OH, yes, you do!" I said. "You will be just fine. Now scoot. Just don't go hanging out in the bathroom with anyone. See ya."

"But! Momma..."
...as I drove away.

Am I a horrible human being? I don't care. I seriously needed some time. Seriously.

I no more walk in the door, when...the phone rings. Caller ID says "City of Corpus Christi"

Great.

It's Abbi.

In a hushed, panicky tone..."Come and get us out of here. NOW."

My thinking was...hey, they are at the library, it's full of books & stuff, they can hang out til I finish mopping the kitchen floor...at least.

Approximately ten minutes later, the phone rings again. It's Abbi again. She CANNOT BELIEVE that I haven't left yet AND Preston is ticked off and decided to walk home.

Uh-oh. Not good.

I grab my keys, jump in the car, highly annoyed with the fact that I have children. Grrrrr.

As I near the library, I see Preston hustling down the sidewalk...in the dark, mind you. I drive up beside him, "Just what in the heck are you doing??"

"There you are!! What took you so long??" he pants, looking rather distressed.

"Seriously, Preston? Seriously? It's that big of a deal to just hang out at the library for a few minutes and play chess??"

"You don't understand, Mom! There was a Nazi in there!" he hisses.

"Ya right, Preston. Whatever." How dramatic he is...

"Mom! For real! There was! He had this big, Nazi sign on the front of his shirt...and he was really huge and had a red goatee and a shirt with the arms cut off. And tattoos all down his arms. AND. A bald head. WITH. A tattoo of a skull in the middle of his head!!! He was a Nazi."

By this time we have pulled up in front of the library and Abbi jumps in the car, ranting about the Nazi guy, and all of the "creepy old men" that don't say a word...just sit and stare at each other...oh! and the man with a really skinny, oval face, and also there were lots of bums that must just play chess all of the time. It seems like that is all they ever do, she says.

All righty then.

Wonder what the knitting class is like??

"Where you tend a rose, my lad, a thistle cannot grow."

2009-10-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

October 14, 2009

In our homeschool, we read. A lot.

I have been reading Preston & Abbi The Secret Garden. I am so loving this book! You have no idea! It is written so beautifully. The characters are endearing and vulnerable and sweet. The setting makes me want to crawl into the story and live it myself.

Getting lost in this book with Preston & Abbi makes me remember why reading quality literature that has stood the test of time is our number one priority.

Sometimes I forget. Sometimes, I am troubled that their spelling does not seem up to par. I wonder if putting off our grammar work (blaaaachh!) for another day is going to put them so far behind that they'll never catch up. Which means they won't know how to talk...or write...right?? I worry that they aren't doing enough "work" because we are always reading.

Then we are blessed by a story like this one.

A story that changes us, makes us better people somehow....a story that becomes a part of who we are....forever.

This type of story calms my fretful heart. It reassures. It inspires.

Each time that I settle down to read with the children, it is a special occasion...we are exchanging gifts.

We are celebrating life.

These memories will be treasured always.

They will live in the secret garden of my heart.

Here is an example of why on earth I would feel the desire blog about this particular book:

One of the strange things about living in the world is that it is only now and then one is quite sure one is going to live forever and ever.

One knows it sometimes when one gets up at the tender solemn dawn-time and goes out and stands alone and throws one's head far back and looks up and up and watches the pale sky slowly changing and flushing and marvelous unknown things happening until East almost makes one cry out and one's heart stands still at the strange unchanging majesty of the rising sun---which has been happening every morning for thousands and thousands and thousands of years.

One knows it then for a moment or so.

And so one knows it sometimes when one stands by oneself in a wood at sunset and the mysterious deep gold stillness slanting through and under the branches seems to be saying slowly again and again something one cannot quite hear, however much one tries.

Then sometimes the immense quiet of the dark blue at night with millions of stars waiting and watching makes one sure; and sometimes a sound of far-off music makes it true; and sometimes a look in someone's eyes.

And it was like that with Colin when he first saw and heard and felt the Springtime inside the four high walls of a hidden garden. That afternoon the whole world seemed to devote itself to being perfect and radiantly beautiful and kind to one boy.

Perhaps out of pure heavenly goodness the spring came and crowded everything it possibly could into that one place.

from The Secret Garden

by Frances Hodgson Burnett

What about LOVE? pt.2

2009-10-08T05:43:00.000-07:00

October 8, 2009

This post is a continuation of my last post because I have a bit more to say on the subject...

"What is it all for?"

When I reflect upon all that I have in this life, I am in awe...it's insane how much God has given me.

I am extravagantly blessed.

My most sacred blessings:

I have God in my life to direct me and help me.

I have a hard-working, kind, devoted, dependable

husband who loves his family. Plus, he's cute.

I have four beautiful, healthy, super smart kids that never cease to amaze me. Ever.

We have a cozy, little roof over our heads.

There are six of us and admittedly, it's tight. All four of the children are practically adult size now so it's actually like six adults living in this house!! My poor seventeen-year-old son (man) shares a room with his eleven-year-old brother and sleeps on a little bunk-bed...he's over 6' tall!! So, that's kinda funny. Only, not to him....he isn't laughing. But someday, he may look back and chuckle. He has no reason to complain, however, because he has been loved and doted upon his entire life.

So, there you have just a very few of the abundant blessings in my life.

Randy & I are not perfect parents. Ha! Far from it.

What I have learned (not soon enough) is that our children desperately need us to be there. We sacrifice so that I am able to stay at home, by their sides, loving them along, until it becomes time for them to spread their little wings and fly.

It has been a massive struggle. We could never really "afford" for me to stay home. Indeed, we have been in some major financial pinches and have had to live these years trusting from day to day that God was looking over us and that He will provide.

Matthew 6:31-33

Jesus: "Do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek FIRST his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

The thing is that even though I clearly see God hard at work in my home & family & life...it has never been easy.

I named my blog: "walking on a broken road" because that is what my life has been.

I always end up traveling the broken road. Never the newly paved road. Never the smooth road. Never the highway. Just a little, old, broken up road. That's just the way that it is for this girl.

It would have been (and would still be) a ridiculously miserable journey if I kept my eyes on the road the whole time.

When I focus on how messed up the road is...

I feel like I could die.

It seems that going on is not an option if this is the road that I must to travel upon.

However. When I change my perspective...

when I look into the sky,

and open my eyes to the beauty that surrounds me,

and take the fresh air deeply into my lungs,

thankful for each breath...

When I lift up my heart in worship...

guess what happens??

I forget all about the condition of the road.

I was recently listening to a woman speak about an issue and she said something about taking notice of "the miracles going on in the background" of your life.

I love that!!!

Miracles are mostly found in the background.

Aren't they??

When I take notice of these miracles,

when I remember to appreciate the simplest of blessings,

when I look up instead of down...

fretting about the condition of the road I'm walking on suddenly becomes incredibly silly.

How does all of this tie into what I wrote in my last post?

Well...still keeping it real:

This is what I see in the lives of those

that I know and love:

desperate need for attention & approval

loneliness

sadness

frustration

hopelessness

exhaustion

isolation

no known purpose

and extreme confusion

My guess is, that without realizing it, these sweet ones are on the world's path.

Chasing the illusion.

Thinking that happiness is right around the next corner...

and it never is.

"But everyone is on this path" they say...

"you are looking sort of strange over there" they say...

"It seems to me that success is this-a-way," they say...

And maybe it is.

But maybe

success

is not really

all that it's cracked up to be.

And maybe it's not really where you want to be.

So I ask again,

What about love??

A person can love without putting love first.

Most of us have folks that we love.

Where do these people....

these ones that we love....

land on our "to do" list?

The world says,

"You come first.

You deserve only the best.

Live for yourself.

It's all about you."

This, however, is what Jesus says:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.
And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
1 John 3:16 & 18

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us.

And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

When you resolve to put love first, everything changes.

Personally, when I quit looking at the world's model of who I should be, and asked my Creator to show me who I was created to be...I finally started living an authentic life.

And as a special bonus, I found peace.

As I began a divine pursuit of what God had planned for

me personally,

and left behind the status quo,

(over-rated anyway)

I felt truly free for the first time in my entire life.

We have choices but society makes it seem as if we don't.

And sometimes "society" is

a friend, a brother, sister, or even mom or dad.

What about that?

I have encountered much criticism about my decision to homeschool my children. It is hurtful and disheartening.

The fact of the matter is, I was called by God to homeschool my children, which makes the bottom line:

This holy calling is more important than anyone's opinion.

God spoke this into my heart:

"Your children are here now,

before you now,

mothering them is not in the future...

it is in the now"

Part of my "mothering" duties entail homeschooling.

I had to let go of what I thought that I wanted...what I assumed that I should be doing so that I could begin to live the life God had prepared specifically for me.

I had to let go of my need for approval,

respect,

and praise.

Putting love first requires sacrifice.

Always great sacrifice.

And always the broken road.

What about LOVE?

2009-10-07T06:20:00.000-07:00

October 7, 2009

What IS it all for??

I know someone who is in agony over this question:

"What is it all for?? What?"

I hardly know a thing.

But what I do know...I am certain of.

I am positive that we consume way too much.

We are obsessed with our own comfort.

Our own agenda.

Our plans.

We spend precious time chasing after an illusion.

Then one day we are out of time and our hands are empty.

What was always just beyond our reach...

never existed.

How do you measure success?

accomplishments, degrees, titles, status, respect, notoriety, wealth, beauty, possessions, self-confidence, physical ability, culture, talent, popularity

SUCCESS

Maybe you only want the best for those you love.

If you don't mind me asking:

What is "the best"?

happiness, perhaps?

peace.

contentment.

a sense of self worth...

and purpose??

Is that your heart's desire for those that you LOVE?

How does one attain these things?

What are we doing with our days, hours, minutes??

accomplishments, degrees, titles, status, respect, notoriety, wealth, beauty,

possessions, self-confidence, physical ability,

culture, talent, popularity

SUCCESS

Most folks I know would quickly deny that any of these things

really matter

in the long run.

Most folks would say that

LOVE

is all that matters.

But.

When we look at how we spend our

time,

mental energy,

physical energy

our very lives...

we see...

accomplishments, degrees, titles, status, respect, notoriety, wealth, beauty, possessions, self-confidence, physical ability, culture, talent, popularity, success.

Problem is

...as attractive and exciting as these things are...

(and they are)

they leave us

hollow.

Unfulfilled.

Unsatisfied.

Confused.

Frustrated.

DEAD.

We are training our children to chase the illusion.

We adamantly deny it.

And we even say words to them like:

Love is the most important thing.

Family is what really matters.

Put God first.

Money doesn't buy happiness.

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Do your very best and that's all that is expected.

The world disagrees.

And so do we.

Because we keep on consuming way too much

and swear that we cannot afford to stay home with our babies.

We spend our time & energy & resources

padding our pocketbooks

and

nurturing the illusion.

If you think that I am awfully preachy this morning...

I think I am too.

And I do dislike that very much.

I am not wagging my pointer finger in your face.

And I am not guilt tripping.

And I am not shaming.

Believe me.

It's just that I nearly missed the boat!!!

What boat??

The Love Boat.

And there are people that I know & love that are

missing it...

"HELLO?!!" I say,

"you are chasing an illusion..."

Waving my arms back and forth I say,

"yoo--hoo! the path you are on seems right

but this is the boat you want to be on!"

They turn and walk off...

comfort is calling them away.

They have their agenda...

their marked out path...

their plans.

What about love??

What about that??

Because the way that I see it,

people have lots of love inside of them...

but

it's not making it's way to the outside of them.

If I Had Known

If I had known the trouble you were bearing;

What griefs were in the silence of your face;

I would have been more gentle and more caring,

And tried to give you gladness for a space.

I would have brought more warmth into the place,

If I had known.

If I had known what thoughts despairing drew you;

(Why do we never try to understand?)

I would have lent a little friendship to you,

And slipped my hand within your hand,

And made your stay more pleasant in the land...

If I had known.

Mary Carolyn Davies

Darest thou now O Soul, walk out with me toward the unknown region?

2009-10-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

October 4, 2009

You have likely figured out that I enjoy poetry.

I love words.

I love how thoughts become words on a page.

You read them

and...

you feel.

You see a regular, familiar thing in a new way.

You are changed a bit. Perhaps.

Speaking of change...

there's some of that swirling about the air

around this place.

Overall, I do not embrace change.

(Just so you know.)

Pathetically nostalgic.

That's me.

When Preston packed up all of his stuffed animal friends

and drug them into my room

in one of those Zip-loc baggies (as tall as him)...

and informed me that he had outgrown them...

I was shell-shocked.

There were no words.

My heart froze and the earth stopped spinning and I cried this old world a whole new ocean.

Believe it. I did.

I just wish for everything to stay as it is for a

little while longer.

I am so annoyed with the natural progression of things.

But that is my personal problem because

change is a-happening.

With or without me.

It just is.

What does that mean, exactly?

The vision is slowly taking shape.

New things are unfolding before me...

but I hold my hands over my eyes so I don't have to see.

Sometimes, I peek through my fingers though...

and catch a glimpse of these things...

inching closer & becoming clearer.

While the beloved treasures of now

slip slowly away...

Bless my little heart.

Because it is dreadfully sick

over losing my "NOW."

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost

Very close to home the great joys are...

2009-09-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

September 28, 2009

Totally random musings of a woman...

This family has a very strong affection for fresh, homemade bread.

Something about the aroma of bread baking in the oven makes this place

warm & snug & cheery.

Bailor can pretty much polish off a whole pan!

That is OK with me because soon he will not be here to even care

about my hot bread...

right out of the oven

with butter & honey.

(heavyhearted sigh...)

In the morning, Preston is a sight to behold with his hair sticking straight up on end...he makes his way to the kitchen and heats up water for his morning tea. Yes, tea.

He enjoys green tea with three sugar cubes plus honey or cream...depending on his mood.

I find that to be a very charming ritual.

(sentimental sigh...)

Randy gets up before the birds and makes coffee.

Therefore, I wake up to one of the most delicious smells in the world.

He listens for me. When he hears that I am up, he sweetly serves me my morning cup of coffee.

Such a darling.

(lovey-dovey sigh...)

Abbi creates.

She takes out her little sewing machine and makes, among other things,

dresses for Roxy & Lulu.

Then she gets them all dolled up.

They do not enjoy her thoughtfulness.

(Smile)

Sometimes I leave the kitchen a mess...

and when I return, it's all sparkly & smelly fresh.

THAT is a glorious sight!!

That is the work of my Hannah.

A feeling comes over me. I have a daughter.

She will one day live away from me. She will clean & cook & tend to her family.

She will do these things well.

(Sigh of satisfaction.)

Oftentimes, I drive down a particular road here in town...

I take special note of the people that are walking to the grocery store

or sitting at the bus stop

or holding up a sign on the corner...

and I think about the vehicle that I am sitting in.

How it takes me where I need to go...

anywhere that I want it to.

I realize that I am ridiculously blessed. It is insane.

(heartfelt sigh of deepest gratitude...)

I Have Found Such Joy

I have found such joy in simple things;

A plain, clean room,

a nut-brown loaf of bread,

a cup of milk,

a kettle as it sings,

The shelter of a roof above my head,

and in leaf-laced square along the floor,

where yellow sunlight glimmers through a door.

I have found such joy in things that fill

my quiet days:

a curtain's blowing grace,

a potted plant upon my window sill,

a rose, fresh-cut and placed within a vase;

A table cleared,

a lamp beside a chair,

and books I long have loved beside me there.

Oh, I have found such joys I wish I might

tell every woman who goes seeking far

for some elusive, feverish delight,

that very close to home the great joys are:

The elemental things----old as the race,

Yet never, through the ages, commonplace.

Grace Noll Crowell

"I cannot say, and I will not say that he is dead. He is just away..."

2009-09-24T05:41:00.000-07:00

September 25, 2009

Yesterday, September 24, was my dad's birthday.

He would have been 63.

One of Randy's aunts, who I've yet to have the honor to meet, sent me a message on Facebook today:

"Good morning, Kellie. I loved the pictures of your family, especially of your daddy. He looked so happy and funny and sweet, rolled up into one. You and your children favor him a lot."

The tears that I fought back all day yesterday, poured forth.

Sometimes you just need another person to notice and appreciate the special things that you loved about someone.

Reading the words "he looked so happy and funny and sweet, rolled up into one..." deeply moved me because she didn't know my dad from Adam but she saw those things in him...and she couldn't have been more right.

There were some folks who did know my dad but didn't see those things. I guess because the beautiful things about a person can be overshadowed by their flaws.

Someone that I love very much, lost her dear firstborn. Her sweet, sweet son. She wrote a poem in his honor and her words go through my head often:

"So many books I read searching for answers, direction, and courage; when all that really matters are great big hugs and God's mighty power."

My dad was flawed. As we all are. But he gave out great big hugs.

From where I sit now, her words ring so true...

that is all that really matters.

I cannot say

and I will not say

that he is dead.

He is just away.

With a cheery smile, and a wave of the hand, he has wandered into an unknown land..."

Remember

Remember me when I am gone away,

Gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more, day by day,

you tell me of our future that you planned;

Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve;

For if the darkness and corruption leave

a vestige of the thoughts that I once had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

Than you should remember and be sad.

Christina Rossetti

We love you, Dad.

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands. (Psalm 19:1)

2009-09-23T05:49:00.000-07:00

September 23, 2009

Last week was yuck. However,I will spare you the details.

I'm just sayin' by Saturday morning, I was done with my life.

Through.

So.

I ran away from home.

I saw no other option.

I packed my bags and put them in the car and left.

First, I called my mom...but she had company. Poo.

SO I drove all around the whole city.

I drove and drove.

And thought and thought.

I needed to go to the beach!

So that is precisely where I went.

No grocery store.

No standing before mountains of laundry.

No dishes to load & unload.

No squabbles to referee.

No husband to serve (if you know what I mean)!!

NO TEENAGERS.

Just me, myself, & I.

OH. And the beach.

I got myself a room.

YES I DID!

A room with a view. A waterfront view.

I threw my suit on, got some lunch, and headed down toward the

SUN.

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!!

My lunch was very naughty. And I did not care.

Not even one little bit.

I had fried chicken (I think I never tasted anything so delicious)!

Fried okra. Macaroni & cheese.

PLUS A biscuit with butter & honey.

I ate every single, solitary crumb.

Then I plopped down on the sand and settled into the most delightful drowsy, little semi-slumber.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Did some people watching, soaked up some rays, dipped my toes in the water.

After a few hours, I went back to the room, stood under a hot shower for a long time, then cuddled up on the bed and napped.

Are you jealous yet?

After snoozing for a while, I decided that I wanted to go to the movies.

So I did.

I went to see Julie & Julia, which I had wanted to see forever.

Pretty good flick.

That Julia Child was a trip.

Had popcorn with butter, chocolate, and Coke for dinner. HA!

Drove back home. (To the hotel)

Walked back into my wonderful, peaceful room.

Got back into the BIG EMPTY bed that I had all to my own self.

Fluffed ALL the pillows which I ALSO had ALL to myself.

Turned on the tv. (Guess who had control of the remote)????

I was ready to settle down with some quality reading material...

People Magazine.

It was the Patrick Swayze special issue...

I needed to think about him.

How much I loved Dirty Dancing and especially Ghost.

Whoopi Goldberg was HILARIOUS in that movie.

I read that magazine from cover to cover...even the ads.

I watched Food Network because Julie & Julia made me want to be chef.

Finally I was tired again.

It had been a looooong, exhausting day.

Hehehehehehe.

Next morning, I opened my eyes, bolted up, raced to the window...

I still had time to catch the sunrise!!

Grabbed the camera & raced to the beach,

where this was waiting just for me:

Pretty amazing, huh??

It was right about this point that being all alone didn't seem so special anymore.

Because those heathen children of mine...

those ingrates...

they would have had a special appreciation for

this very lovely sunrise at the beach.

And the hubby...

He ALWAYS appreciates his beach.

Alas.

I made a mental note to come out to this very spot, very soon, with the whole fam, plus three dogs...and do this again.

This fellow had the right idea...

And a little run on the beach always seems like a totally hip thing to do. Like you may stay young forever if you would only run on the beach.

And this guy...well, he just came along...

And stood there.
For some reason...he seemed sad...
kinda.

It was time for me to start a new day.

It was time to go home.

And I didn't mean to the hotel room.

Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in You.

Show me the way to go,

for to You I lift up my soul.

(Pslam 143:8)

Now FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...

2009-09-16T06:05:00.000-07:00

September 16, 2009

Hannah recently got braces. I am amazed at how quickly her teeth are moving!!!

She is going to the orthodontist that put on my husband's braces a million years ago.

He practices with his daughter, who is also an orthodontist. They really are a terrific team! Both father & daughter LOVE what they do and really care about their patients.

So, Hannah has been somewhat obsessed with this whole process. She closely inspects her teeth several times daily and compares them to the mold they gave her of her "pre-braces" teeth.

The other day she approached Randy & I with a concern about the way that her teeth were moving. She was alarmed because there was a new space between two of her teeth that she didn't want there. It's complicated. But the point is, she was freaking out about it. I have to admit that her logic made sense. We both calmed her and assured her that it was so early on in this process that she shouldn't get worked up, the orthodontists know what they were doing....it would all come together. She just needed to have a little bit of faith.

Hannah, however, is relentlessly stubborn when she is convinced that she is right about a thing!!!

She was whining because it was four weeks until her next appointment and "what if it's too late by then?!!!!!" I assured her all would be fine.

We had errands to run over by the orthodontist's office so I suggested that we drop by and if they weren't too busy, maybe they would agree to see her, hear her out, and put the matter to rest.

They weren't too busy, happily agreed to see her and both father & daughter patiently listened to her explain her concerns. They EACH made it clear to her, very kindly, that she had no reason in the world to be worried, that this is the very beginning of a two-year-long process and that there is lots of activity going on behind the scenes with her bones and what not that she doesn't understand. They explained exactly what was happening and why. It made perfect sense to me. Everything looks just as it should at this point and if she does what she is supposed to do, it will all work out perfect. AND, if for some reason, the end result isn't what she pictured...they can fix it. No problem.

The whole time that she is talking to the orthodontists Hannah is nodding her head like she understands and accepting the explanation offered.

We thanked them so much for their time and we were on our way. I was thinking as we walked out the door that I was so happy that we went ahead and came in because the reassurance felt great to me and I am sure it relieved Hannah's anxiety.

People!!

We no more get out of that office and to our car when she mumbles..."Something is fishy about all of this."

WHAT???

"ya, it doesn't add up." she says.

SERIOUSLY?!

"Hannah, are you serious?" I say.

"Well, it's very obvious to me that blah, blah, blah" she rambles.

"they are the professionals, Hannah. They know what they are doing. This is a PROCESS. Did you hear anything that they said??" I bark at her, incredulously.

"Ya well, I hope they know what they are doing. I just don't see how blah, blah, blah..."

I just shook my head because this is typical of Hannah. If she cannot see it with her own two eyes and perceive it in her brain...it ain't so. It can't be.

But guess what??

I later realized that it is typical of me to behave in exactly the same way in my life when I am worried about an issue.

Think about it.

God knows exactly what he is doing with us and our lives. He is on it. He is the professional. He is the expert. Things may not always makes sense to us from our limited perspective.

But what can our eyes really see?

What can our finite minds actually comprehend??

Yet, patiently...kindly...He reassures.

He gives us the information that we need, the instructions necessary for us to do our part.

We have a limited capacity to understand and He knows this so He says to us...

"Because I know what I am doing, you are just going to have to trust me."

We nod in agreement. I mean, are we really going to challenge the Lord God to His face?

And we go on our way. However, our feeble minds still grapple to understand.

We cannot SEE...and when we cannot see how a situation could possibly work out for good in the end, when it doesn't come together for us in our own mind, it is extremely hard to accept that it will.

Can you relate to what I am saying?? Aren't we all like Hannah sometimes??

F-A-I-T-H.

Doesn't everything always take us back to this little five letter word?

His fading boyhood

2009-09-11T18:03:00.000-07:00

September 12, 2009

Yesterday, thank the Lord God above,

it poured down rain!!
When I say poured....I mean poured!

Awesome!

Preston & his friend Trace went out exploring.

They went down the street to a field that

"looks like a lake now!!!!!"

They were gone for quite a while and when they returned home, it was this:

YES! How my heart embraced the sight of two muddy boys!

Because I am thoroughly convinced that boys these days are mud deprived!!!

MUD...it is good for the soul!

When Trace came over I thought to myself,

"Wow, these boys are really growing up! Wow."

I felt a sharp twinge of realization in my heart.

The reality of having big boys...

not little boys.

But seeing Preston & Trace excited about the rain,

covered in muck from head to toe,

with a pail of earth worms that they wagged home,

to feed to the fish in our aquarium...

that was some good therapy for this momma's heart!

If you have a sweet boy, especially a boy with a good ol faithful dog...like my Preston and his Annie, read this:

IT'S TOUGH ON A DOG

By Jean W. Sawtell

It's tough on a dog when his boy grows up.

When he no longer romps and frolics like a pup.

It's tough on a dog when his boy gets old,

When they no longer cuddle on his bed when it's cold.

It's tough on a dog when his boy gets tall,

When he's off with the boys playing soccer and baseball.

They no longer paddle through the mud and in the bog,

Hoping to find a stray turtle or frog.

They no longer run through the grass up to their knees,

Or roll in the piles of fresh fallen leaves.

It's tough on a dog when his boy gets tall,

When he's off to school, looking at girls in the hall.

It's tough on a dog when he has work to do,

When he forgets to play as he used to.

It's tough on a dog when instead of the woods or field or pond,

His boy becomes a man...

and the man is gone.

1 Chronicles 22: 11-13

King David to Solomon:

"Now my Son, the Lord be with you, and may you have success and build the house of the Lord your God, as He said you would.

May the Lord give you discretion & understanding when He puts you in command over Israel, so that you may keep the law of the Lord your God.

Then you will have success if you are careful to observe the decrees and laws the Lord gave Moses for Israel. Be strong & courageous.

Do not be afraid or discouraged."

Getting to the heart of prayer

2009-09-06T15:41:00.000-07:00

September 8, 2009

Yesterday, God met me on my walk. We had an exceptionally awesome time together. I didn't want to go home and start my real life. I wanted to walk, out in the fresh air, all day long.

As I have gotten older, I appreciate the outdoors more. I try to spend time outside every day. I can think better out in the sunshine. I feel more alive. I hear God speaking to me most clearly when I am out, marveling at His creation.

Since I feel so connected to the Lord in the mornings, out on my walk, that is when I pray. I pray throughout the day as well, but my morning prayer time is especially sweet.

If you are familiar with my blog, you probably know that this has been a difficult summer for me and that I have been grieving the loss of two special loved ones. Over the summer, the prayer that I have prayed most often has been, "Lord, help my heart."

Many times, that simple prayer is all that I could manage to get out so I would repeat it over and over again.

Yesterday, I began to think about prayer and how wordy our prayers can become. We think we have to explain things to Him, or convince Him of something. But do we, really?

This summer, I haven't had the energy to put my thoughts together properly before presenting them to the Father. And guess what? I am positive that He knew exactly what I meant anyway. Because of this experience (not having many words) I began praying very short prayers. Know what? It's my new favorite way to pray! So simple. So real & heartfelt.

It dawned on me yesterday that I pray for my heart quite often. Yes, FOR my heart. I call these prayers "heart prayers." You see, I have a whole new appreciation for my heart these days.

My dad died of a heart attack, which has caused me to take a look at how I treat my heart. So physically, I have been tending to it better. I started a fitness program on June 1st and I literally feel myself growing stronger and healthier.

My dad's death also brought a deep, aching pain in my heart. If you have experienced a major loss in your life, I'm sure you know what I mean. Your chest literally throbs with physical pain...you feel your heart hurting inside of your body. That is why we call emotional pain "heartache." So, my broken heart has obviously made me keenly aware of this miraculous part of my body.

So, back to the praying thing.

I was thinking yesterday that praying for my heart from my heart has been an effective way for me to communicate with God when I am at a loss for words or cannot sort through my thoughts and feelings. I love this idea because it's real. It's desperate and humble and not "fixed up" for God.

It's just me showing Him my heart...as is...and inviting Him to help me manage it.

I want to share these little "heart prayers" with you today.

I have cried out my desperate summer prayer of "Lord, help my heart" every day.

I have also prayed:

"heal my heart"

"protect my heart"

"take my heart"

"open my heart"

"fill my heart"

"speak to my heart"

"soften my heart"

"examine my heart"

"strengthen my heart"

"pour into my heart"

"calm my heart"

"give me your heart"

"transform my heart"

"prune my heart"

"guide my heart"

"show me your heart"

"touch my heart"

On & on...you get the idea. These are short prayers, yes, but they get right to the "heart" of the matter.

Isn't this what we really want to say to God, when you boil down our long, drawn-out prayers? And I'm not saying that there isn't a time for detailed prayers...I'm not preaching on how to pray. Merely pointing out that I have discovered that less is often more.

I do not forget to say prayers of praise & thanksgiving, as well as lift loved ones up to Him. I just keep those short & sweet as well...but passionately from the heart.

May your heart be blessed today.

Proverbs 27:19

As water reflects a face,

so a man's heart reflects the man.

Is it a rule that you HAVE to practice what you preach?????

2009-09-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

September 5, 2009

procrastinate-to put off doing something unpleasant or burdensome until a future time; esp., to postpone such actions habitually

There are six people in this family.

I am a freak about taking snapshots of these six people.

I snap the picture, love it, then set it to the side.

I have been doing this for almost twenty years.

I have boxes upon boxes of photos that are in

absolutely no logical order.

I must organize these pictures because they haunt me.

They stare holes through me

every time I step foot into my bedroom.

I love them and hate them at the same time.

They tell the story of my LIFE.

The sweet story of this family.

But does that motivate me to get up off my be-hind,

show some respect and organize them?!

Sadly...it does not.

I would gladly spend hard-earned, much needed money

to pay someone to scrapbook my photos, I would...really.

In a heartbeat.

But, I guarantee you, no one would take the job.

Plus, I'm thinkin the hubby would NOT approve of that

little expense.

I envision myself as a talented, efficient, and most of

all...cheerful scrapbooker...

but I have come to accept

that is only a pipe dream.

You see, I am infatuated with the concept of scrapbooking.

But only the concept.

The actual process overwhelms me beyond words.

(I was going to say "makes me physically ill"...because it

does...but then you would think that I am exaggerating, which I am not...so I will say "overwhelms me")

So, I have decided to pretend that scrapbooking

does not exist.

I purchased photo albums.

All I have to do is put the picture into the little slot thingy.

That is all.

And I still feel sick when I think about starting.

I must go.

I must begin.

Because, how can I say to my children:

"Do not put off til tomorrow what you can do today"

How can I preach those words and then turn right around

and face THIS all day, every day????

Is that allowed????

Your FAITH & ACTIONS must work TOGETHER

2009-09-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

September 4, 2009

Have you ever been utterly & completely confused about a problem or struggle in your life?

Have you wondered why in the world the same thing keeps happening in your life...over and over, again?? A situation that you thought that you worked through, dealt with, learned from....creeps back up and turns you upside down? Usually when you are least expecting it??

Maybe you have genuinely given the problem to God. Asked Him to change your heart. Begged Him to teach you the lesson in the situation so that you can pass the test, for heaven's sake, and move on!

Personally, I tend to be a highly emotional person.

I react. Actually, I can be quite level headed...until you mess with someone that I love. Especially, one of my babies. Some of that is the Mama bear in me....but most of it is spiritual immaturity.

Lately, I have felt convicted about my lack of self-control in regards to my temper and my tongue. I struggle like crazy in these two areas. Please don't be afraid of me...I am a nice person...mostly. But I am a work in progress. I am choosing to talk about these weaknesses because I want to share with you what God has been showing me through my plight.

I am trying to think of how I want to word this to avoid sounding like a victim. I am not a victim. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. Which means, I am learning. He is teaching me about Himself. He is also changing me so that I may be more effective in His hands. I am totally open to being transformed. Indeed, I look forward to it...when I understand what is going on.

When things happen that seem unfair, however, I freak. Every single time. If I witness what I perceive to be injustice, I immediately shift from having a Christ-like attitude to full-blown, irrational, crazy person mode.

I passionately react.

Sometimes, it seems like an out of body experience because I know that I am losing control, I see myself slipping, but rather than turn to God and allow Him to rescue me...I jump...and free fall into insanity. I watch myself do it.

I lash out. I rant. I totally lose perspective of reality and my focus shifts from what God has called me to do in my life...to chaos.

What God has been showing me over the past few weeks is this:
no matter what happens,
no matter what anyone says or does,
it is my responsibility to rise above the situation,
truly hand it over to The One in control,
and trust HIM.

Angry words HURT my witness...even if those words are justified. Resentment KILLS my witness...even if it seems well-deserved.

And my witness is my responsibility.

Protecting it should be my top priority...not defending my "rights."

As a matter of fact, in Christ...I have no rights. (But that's another whole blog post!)

What I have suddenly realized....and am eager to share with you is that even though I have been made aware of my anger/temper issue and even though I have admitted to myself & God that I react in the wrong way and even though I agree that I have failed in this area in the past....that is not enough.

You see, God gives us the same test, over & over again, until WE PASS. Imagine that. You know... the whole concept of putting your money where your mouth is. It sounds so simple & easy and it is simple BUT it ain't easy.

My point is this: It is not enough to want to change in your heart.

You must actively change. The root word of "actively" is ACT.

How will you act the next time your buttons are pushed?

As for me... I am waiting for the next punch in the gut...

and I am positive it will come when I am looking the other way....

AND will probably knock the air out of me....

yet, I will not retaliate...

And most likely, I will lose the fight.

But.

I will pass the test.

James 1:22-25

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.

Do what it says.

Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says

is like the man who looks at his face in the mirror and,

after looking at himself,

goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.

But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it---

he will be blessed in what he does.

The flowers must be buried in darkness before they can bud and bloom

2009-08-26T07:21:00.000-07:00

August 26, 2009

You have been so kind to listen to me lament over the summer.

It has been the strangest time for me.

I am not the same person that I was only a few months ago.

And I didn't want to become someone different.

"Goodbye."

"See you later."

"Until we meet again."

Whatever it turns out to be...

I didn't want it to be that...

yet.

But. Alas.

We do not get to choose when we are ready to let go.

I guess because...

we never would be.

So.

I found a lovely poem that I want to share with you.

I read it.

And it gave my heart a shake.

Because of hope.

With HOPE, going on becomes possible.

Life Lessons

I learn, as the years roll onward

And leave the past behind,

That much I had counted sorrow

But proves that God is kind;

That many a flower I had longed for

Had hidden a thorn of pain,

And many a rugged bypath

Led to fields of ripened grain.

The clouds that cover the sunshine

They cannot banish the sun;

And the earth shines out the brighter

When the weary rain is done.

We must stand in the deepest shadow

To see the clearest light;

And often through wrong's own darkness

Comes the very strength of light.

The sweetest rest is at even,

After a wearisome day,

When the heavy burden of labor

Has borne from our hearts away.

And those who have never known sorrow

Can not know the infinite peace

That falls on the troubled spirit

When it sees at last release.

We must live through the dreary winter

If we would value the spring;

And the woods must be cold and silent

Before the robins sing.

The flowers must be buried in darkness

Before they can bud and bloom,

And the sweetest, warmest sunshine

Comes after the storm and gloom.

(Unknown)

Wishing you some sweet HOPE today.

God does not deprive us of His love; we deprive Him of our cooperation

2009-08-26T06:02:00.000-07:00

Cooperating with God is hard.

It does not come naturally to me...

at all.

It's strange because

I hear God

and I understand what He says

and I agree with Him.

But still,I go my own way.

Every single day I do it.

And the consequences...

I end up lost.

I do not enjoy being separated from God.

I am much more content when I am

safe & snug at His side.

While out on my morning walk,

an old hymn played on my i-pod.

How I love old hymns!

I listened to it three times in a row.

It is my prayer on this day...

perfectly said.

"Let thy grace, Lord, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love.

Here's my heart, Lord,

take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above."

From: Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing

by Robert Robinson

Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a matter of traveling...

2009-08-21T05:51:00.000-07:00

August 21, 2009

I know the secret to happiness.

Do you?

I had to discover this truth the hard way.

It took me a long time and cost me too much.

Then again, I have always been hard headed. Ask my mom.

Just sayin'...

The main thing that I want to say on this beautiful summer day is this:

Less is more.

That I promise.

Simplicity + Gratitude = JOY

Listen to what Andy Rooney has to say about happiness:

(Granted, he IS mistaken on some MAJOR issues, like GOD, for example

but this quote is pretty much dead on.

Don't ya think?)

"For most of life, nothing wonderful happens.

If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you're not going to be very happy.

If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage, or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time.

If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness."

Well said, Andy!

And happy summer Friday to you, my friend.

To be a seed, too far for the eye to see, is to make a great deal in the sky...

2009-08-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

August 19, 2009

OK.

So. Yesterday was spent with the third born...Preston.

This is him...

We ran some errands.

Ate an exceptional lunch of HOT wings, fries (they were fresh!) and celery sticks

w/ Blue Cheese. mmm.mmm.good!

Came home and watched a fabulous movie. One of my favorites. One of the BEST MOVIES EVER but I can't tell you the name or you'll think I'm a bad mom.

We ate Sour Patch Kids & popcorn & Raisinettes.

It was a fine day!

But, as you know if you read yesterday's blog (see below)...I felt dreadfully blue.

I couldn't help it.

I was annoyed with myself because everything was GOOD but I was NOT.

While writing my blog last night...I felt very sad...millions of tears were shed.

BIG SIGH.

It was way past bed time and Preston was dawdling.

Let me tell you, bedtime dawdling sets me off.

I threatened his very LIFE if he didn't get himself

into his room,

into his bed,

and stay there!!!!

He walked up to me and said,

"But i have something for you."

AND IT WAS THIS:

a poem by Preston

To be a seed...

too far for the eye to see

is to make a great deal in the sky.

You clean,

you slave to make the beds that await,

to sing the song that others request.

Even though you want to rest.

You think that no one knows that you cleaned up their mess,

then they thank you.

And look,

you see...

that seed is now a tree.

Do you understand how perfect this poem is????

DO you?

It is way beyond perfect.

The part about "singing the song that other's request"...

I can hardly handle it.

BIG, huge, impassioned sigh....

P.S.

As part of their schooling,

I have the children read poetry, copy down poetry, recite poetry.

Which they HATE with a purple passion.

Preston has told me more than once that poetry kills him. Makes him want to die.

hmmmmm. (wink & sneaky little grin)

P.S.S.

Check out the sweet baby birds that Preston & I discovered while out walking. Oh my. One last SIGH.

even in the desolate wilderness,

stars can still shine...

SADNESS is a WALL between two GARDENS...

2009-08-18T18:23:00.000-07:00

August 18, 2009

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not;

and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

As I write these words today, my heart is a bloody mess. Yes, still.

I keep waiting for the clouds to pass. But they linger on.

It's not just that my grandpa died, then my dad died, and all of the drama that goes along with death: funeral arrangements, settling of affairs, cranky/greedy/hurting family members, blah, blah, blah. Mainly, it's FEAR. Fear of what this loss has done to my soul. Fear of who will be next because you know someone WILL BE. Then there's stress of trying to be "normal" again but not really wanting to because every step toward normalcy is a step away from your loss. And your loss is a PERSON. And that person was a part of YOU. A part that you're not ready to live without....

When I sit down to blog...nothing. I have been silenced. I think God just wants me to hush. And I'm ok with that.

OH. (a little confession) I have NOT been a nice person lately. Really. I haven't.

There are words out there for the type of meanie I've been. You can imagine.

I'm pretty sure there are certain ones that think I'm a little "OFF"...if you know what I mean. All because merely functioning takes everything and there's no energy left for chit-chat or niceties.

I have the feeling that I'll never again feel carefree.

Life is just plain hard right now.

On the outside, I'm there...trying to get back into life...trying for order, trying for clarity, trying for peace.

But the paradox is...that on the inside...CHAOS. Utter blasted chaos.

Sooner or later my heart will calm down.

Sooner or later, strength will come to me.

Every day my prayer is simply this: "Lord. Please. Help my heart."

And sooner or later...HE will.

The sun will shine again on that day.

Take this sorrow to thy heart

and make it a part of thee

and it will nourish thee

till thou art strong again.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

2009-08-02T09:55:00.000-07:00

August 1, 2009

Today we celebrated Abbi's one & only

10th birthday!

We partied on the beach. It was a grand idea.

(Her idea.)

However, we were unable to invite all of the girlfriends that she loves due to the fact that I was a bit nervous about losing track of someone.

That would be very bad.

So, we kept the party small. It was a good time.

I must admit the wind made me grumpy. GRRrrr.

My hubby made me grumpy too because he thought it was a silly idea to fuss with decorations at the beach when the wind blows everything away. Hello?!! It is completely impossible to do a 10th birthday party without decorations!!! He said that I was stressing myself out with worry over the paper plates & napkins & such.

Didn't he even notice how cute they were?

My friend Heather & her sweet family came from San Antonio to celebrate with us! That cheered me up!

I didn't take as many pictures as usual because I was preoccupied with catching everything that was blowing off. Let me tell you, it did not help my stress level that Hannah was lecturing me for throwing food away...it was full of sand!!! And the flies had discovered it!! Plus she was nagging & whining that we were "littering the beach"!! Hello!! Who taught her that littering made you a LOSER?!

That would be ME...her mother. I DO NOT litter. Are you reading this, Hannah Bossy Pants??

Anyway! I did happen to snap some random shots WHEN I could find my camera. I missed getting pictures of our limbo contest though...which which was my favorite part of the day...except the coconut boobies. Hehehe.

This is Preston. Heaven help me.

Grammy brought Abbi some sushi...her favorite!!!!!

Here are the girls before we left for the beach.

Abbi

Guess who this amigo is?

Harry & Bailor surfed.

The girls buried Abbi in the sand, made her into a mermaid and added some coconuts...Oh dear!!!

Silly, silly girls!!!!

Pinata time!

hula hooping!!

Abbi's poor cake...it was melting...literally.

Hope you're heart is bright & sunny, Abbi!!!!

Happy Birthday Abbi Girl!

2009-07-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

July 30, 2009

My darling Abbi is turning ten!!!

I am so thankful for her presence in my life.

She brings such joy to my heart!

Her beautiful smile lights up our home.

Her laughter is absolute magic.

She is a reminder of the sweet & wholesome side of life.

It is my fervent prayer that she will faithfully pursue the
Lord Jesus Christ
with her whole entire heart.

And that He will be at her side always.

Happy 10th Birthday Abbi Claire!!!

xoxoxo

LoVe: MoM

All in a summer's day...

2009-07-29T05:34:00.000-07:00

July 28, 2009

Randy thought it was a good idea to sweep Abbi's puke up with our vacuum cleaner. Not so much. I finally broke down today and bought a new one. I do not enjoy spending hard earned money on vacuum cleaners.

Abbi & I went to Sears to ask a question about the dryer and decided to look at their vacuums. Did you know that Sears has a sales lady JUST for the vacuum cleaners?! Attack. She was interesting. I actually ended up purchasing my new Kenmore Upright Vacuum from her. She has worked in that department for fifteen years. And we now know lots of stuff about her. Like she was attacked by a whole nest of spiders last week. She even showed us the evidence on her arm. BLAAHCK! And tomorrow she is having her upper wisdom teeth removed because she has two cavities, one in each. Niiiice. She wore braces when she was fourteen. She is now 56-years-old. She does not enjoy the heavy vacuum cleaners, nor does she prefer the ones without bags. Not good. Especially if you have pets. She, by the way, is a cat person. She shared all of this valuable info with us while speaking through frosted pink teeth. THAT was the first thing that Abbi pointed out to me as we walked away.

I took Abbi to lunch because Thursday is her birthday and this is her birthday week and I felt like being with her. She FORCED me to go to the Asian Buffet. Double BLAAHCK!

As we were seated, I noticed this stooped over elderly woman with her head IN the salad bowl...longish, gray, scraggly, hair hanging down along both sides of her face and INTO the buffet food. Seriously.

The young lady seated at the table next to us was dining with two older women and telling them all about how she beat up her boyfriend. I would be very frightened if she were angry with me. She was of a large frame, dressed in western jeans and boots, face made up with intense eyeliner and brown lipstick, and spoke with a deep, mannish voice.

A wheel-chair-bound homeless man with dreadlocks came in to eat. He had his belongings all fastened to his wheelchair somehow...under it...on the sides. An acoustic guitar, he carried in his lap.
He was a big man. Something about him reminded me of my dad. Sigh.

Abbi went and got herself a serving of ice cream. She sat down, said "yummm", and took a bite. Suddenly, she froze, her eyes grew large, she opened up her mouth and slowly pulled a lovely black hair out of the bite of ice cream sitting on her tongue. I cracked up. I warned her. Moms caution. Kids refuse to listen. Kids get some stranger's hair in their mouth. That's the way it works.

After leaving the buffet, I decided to take Abbi for a snow cone since her ice cream didn't work out. Plus, the fact that it was a scorching 100 degrees for the 100th day in a row made the thought of a snow cone sound like a dream.

I had never been to the snow cone shop before. I began to get excited about going to a new place!! Well, new to US, anyway. The shop, itself, is NOT NEW. We walked in and it was a tiny bit different than what I expected. Like dark. And creepy. But there's no turning back once you put the offer out there and a nine-year-old takes you up on it.

We approached the counter and looked over the flavor choices. I asked the lady behind the counter what "Bahama Mama" was?? She shrugged her shoulders and said "I don't know." Then she just went back to doing whatever she was doing. I said, "ohhhh kaaaay." She hollered over to some guy, "Hey Gabe, what's 'Bahama Mama'??" He mumbled "I dunno." A young girl walked in from the back and the lady asked her, "Do YOU know what 'Bahama Mama' is?" The girl replied, "I have no idea."
All righty then.
Abbi said hopefully, "Well, how about 'Hawaiian'?? What's that?" The young girl said, "I don't know." Gabe said that he didn't know. The older lady said, "I don't know. I just work for my daughter sometimes." I stood staring in disbelief. "Let me call her and ask." the older lady suggested. She calls up her daughter and is on the phone for a second, gets off, and says, "She's busy right now. She will have to tell me about the flavors later." Abbi said, "Just give me the 'Wild Strawberry', please." And we got the heck out of dodge.

We headed home and unpacked our new Kenmore Upright Vacuum. It has great suction. AND a sweeper thingy for hardwood floors and tile. Sweet.

We were pooped.

We popped "home popped" popcorn. The BEST kind that you make on top of the stove!! With REAL butter!!! One of my most favorite things...REAL butter. De-lish!! Shut the blinds. Snuggled up. And watched "The Alamo" with John Wayne.

What about this quote by the Duke while playing Davey Crockett?..."Republic. I like that word. Means that people can live free, talk free, go or come, buy or sell, be drunk or sober, however they choose. Some words give you a feeling. Republic is one of those words that makes me tight in the throat."
Now that's a dandy!!!

I really enjoyed the movie. Abbi enjoyed dozing through the movie.

And THAT is the story of my summer afternoon outing with my nine-year-old daughter. (Who will only be nine for one more day. BIG sigh.) Not the idealistic date but pretty much perfect to me.

The past is gone. It went by, like dusk to dawn...

2009-07-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

July 26, 2009

This Aerosmith song came on as I walked this morning.

It's an oldie.

It's a simple song.

It spoke to my heart today.

Sometimes, it just doesn't take much.

Keep having faith & DREAM ON...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKuchOdtcFs

P.S.

Here's my Hannah with her braces.

“...do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you..."

2009-07-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

July 25, 2009

I haven't been blogging much lately. I haven't blogged because I haven't had much to say. I haven't had much to say because I have been stuck. Do you ever feel stuck?? Like you aren't moving forward. You aren't moving backwards. You are just there.

I deeply desire to be positive & uplifting. I do not WANT to be a "downer Debbie."

People are not fond of listening to someone sulk. Have you noticed that?

We gravitate toward those that make us feel good....those that inspire us. When we know that someone is in a bad place...it's a turn- off.

That's what I have learned.

I don't know what your personal struggles are but PLEASE don't feel alone.

Most folks that I know are putting everything that they have into their relationships and families. Working hard to stay positive. To keep it all together. To be a light shining in the darkness.

Personally, I try so hard.

Every day I get up and try.

I go and go and go and try and try and occasionally I crash and burn.

It ain't pretty.

Let me give you a visual of the wreckage:

Lots of tears. Lots of nasty, venomous words. LOTS of feeling sorry for myself. Feeling unappreciated. Defeated. Very confused. UNloved. UNlovable. Unworthy. Tired. Taken advantage of. Irrational. Misunderstood. Insecure. Invisible. Sorrow creeps in. So much pain for the unfairness of life. The overwhelming ugliness that is out there. Frustration. Stagnation. Desperation.

Bet you're thinking "ewww." "yuck."

I don't blame you. It is a blasted nightmare.

However...don't you sometimes feel that way?

Be honest. Think. Don't you?

Sometimes, when I am NOT in that hellacious place...I forget...what it's like. I mean, seriously, who wants to remember???

What I have noticed is that when I blog about my junk...
people respond.

I will receive messages or e-mails saying..."wow! I feel the same exact way right now!" And I am usually somewhat surprised because often the message is from someone that I considered very "together." And I'm sure that they are very "together"...most of the time.

Why in the world do we make assumptions about people??

Assumptions are ridiculous.

We assume that others do not struggle as we do. That others are stronger. More confident. More blessed. That they cannot possibly relate to our strife. Whatever. That's insane.

We are all a big fat mess sometimes.

The point of this post is just to say...it's ok.

It's ok to crash and burn. It happens. Even when we carefully guard against it...it happens.

Now, I will be the first person to say, "Get on up now!" I'm not one to encourage a pity party!! In fact, the "melt down mode" that I'm referring to here annoys the life out of me. It is a trap. It is the work of our enemy. And it makes me so mad!

BUT when you find yourself stuck, friend...you are not alone.

That is what I want to say today. To anyone who feels that they are a freak show when they find themselves DOWN. You are not.

Don't fool yourself by thinking that you are experiencing something unique. You are not.

If you want proof, just contact me...I'll sit you down and tell you all about a crappy life...redeemed. I'm not scared.

BECAUSE...we connect at our vulnerabilities.

When someone that you love dies and they are gone...the pain is so great that it is unimaginable. It seems like no one could possibly understand the extent of your suffering and grief. Yet, death has been a part of life since...forever. That concept baffles me. After losing my dad, I recall thinking, incredulously..."People do this!! This unbelievable loss occurs and people just go on. This process has been a part of things since time began?? What the?....."

Please don't fool yourself into believing that you are alone in your struggles. No matter how big they are.

The upside to pain & heartache is that it goes deep, reminding us that we are alive. Your heavy heart...is beating! That is a GOOD thing! Even if you aren't so sure.

Life IS worth it.

I went to a retreat years ago and the theme was "taking off the mask." Nice idea but we don't do it.

We decorate them and then we hide behind our masks.

I really wish that we wouldn't because love lives behind the facade.

What does your mask look like?

Do you really like it better than the beautifully imperfect face that God created just for you?

Ponder that thought....

"I'm gonna wrap my arms around my daddy's neck and tell him that I've missed him..." Mercy Me

2009-07-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

July 14, 2009

After my dad passed away, I could not seem to grasp the concept of him being physically removed from my realm of existence. At first, my mind & my soul completely rejected the reality of his gone-ness. I found myself desperately wondering...where is he? WHERE?

That frantic feeling has passed, for the most part. Searching for answers can make you crazy. I don't have time to be crazy...I'm a mom.

Yet, sometimes I do think about everything that has occurred over the past few months. It's not a 24/7 thing. I have a little compartment in my brain that contains the experience of this unexpected "loss." I go there when I feel that I can. When I need to. But mostly, I keep that compartment closed.

Honestly, all of it is more than I can fully comprehend right now. It is bigger than me. So much bigger.

I walk daily. I usually go in the morning around 9 am. I listen to my i-pod and I pray or think or whatever.

I have a few different routes that I have measured out in my neighborhood that I take. One is 1.5 miles and the other is exactly a mile. I usually mix them up. When I do the one mile path...nothing out of the ordinary happens.

However, when I walk the other path, this is what happens:

I start off. I find an upbeat song. I focus on God and my desire to meet with Him. This time is very sacred to me.

About halfway through the route, I turn a corner and cross the street. I am then on a long, straight sidewalk that I must walk down. At the end of this sidewalk, I turn again, and then head toward home.

OK. So...back to the point where I step onto the long, straight sidewalk. When I step foot onto it...I begin to think about my dad. No matter what is going through my mind or where I'm at mentally...thoughts of my dad begin to flood into my heart.

As I walk down toward the end, I see this image of my dad standing there. It seems like he is waiting for me. He doesn't look like an angel or a spirit or anything else. He just looks like himself. He is just there. As I approach him, he continues to stand & wait. When I reach the point that I feel him to be at...I walk through the image of him and I cross the street.

What else am I to do? Stop and reach out?? I just keep going. I look ahead. I move forward.

Right after he died, this began.

At first, I was in such pain that I would run down the walk toward him, struggling to keep my composure. I assumed that this image was there to comfort me in some way.

As the weeks have passed, every day that I walk...he shows up, in that exact spot. Nowhere else does this happen.

Today, as I walked down the sidewalk, I asked myself, "Am I conjuring up this image?? What on earth??? If people only knew. Coo-coo."

I have 1,100 songs plus the books of Psalms & Proverbs on my i-pod. Usually, I put it on "shuffle" and songs randomly play. Occasionally a passage from Psalms or Proverbs will come on.

This morning as I walked the last bit of that path toward my dad, deep in thought...I was jolted by the words of Psalm 23. They were coming from my i-pod! The sweetness of those familiar words in that very moment...as I neared the end of the sidewalk...was overwhelming.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.......

It seemed that my dad was smiling today.

It had been a while since I had cried. Through my tears I tried to look into the face of this image...to see it more clearly but before I knew it, I was on the other side of the street...heading for home.

After finishing my walk, I grabbed some water, got into my car and drove that route around to the point that I am telling you about...up to the corner...where I see him...and guess what?
It was empty.

I turned the corner and there was a covered bus stop with a bench.

He was sitting on the bench....smiling. A big, joyful smile.

The expression on his face...I had never seen that look on my dad's face.

Uninhibited.

I must say, it is a beautiful thing when the barriers that keep us from being who we were created to be are removed.

THIS is the stuff that THE GOOD LIFE is made of...

2009-06-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

June 30, 2009

Do you want to know all about the

perfect summer day?

Well, it begins with the delight of seeing old friends.

The bestest of friends...

And absolutely must include

the sweetness of baby love.

Plus one million smiles.

Eating out in the fresh air!

A little bit of the lazies.

THANKS for brand new life...

AND brand new life in CHRIST!

Fun times with friends that soon will go. Sigh.

And some time for a boy to

just be.

Put it all together and you've got yourself a

happy, happy, blessed day!!

Romans 5:20...where sin increased, GRACE increased all the more...

2009-06-27T05:59:00.000-07:00

June 26, 2009

Allow me to explain my last post. I used personification when talking about GRACE. I wasn't speaking of a real person.

I sometimes assume that what I am thinking makes perfect sense in everyone else's head like it makes sense in mine. oops.

What I was trying to say was this: I am not always so good at obeying God when He encourages me to extend grace & mercy to those that I have been hurt by....EVEN THOUGH....I've done more than my fair share of messing up in my life.

Parenting is HARD. Raising teenagers...well, suffice to say that I feel stretched completely to my utmost limit with that little endeavor.

Extreme highs and extreme lows. Put it that way. Plus, I am naturally temperamental, to boot. Yikes! I often find myself in a very grumpy place when it comes to the task of guiding my teens along in their lives. Don't get me wrong! They are amazing kids!!! However, we keep it 100% real on this blog and the bottom line is: it is no job for sissies!!!!!

Lately, God has placed it upon my heart to be more forgiving. To have GRACE with my teens...and everyone else. You see, I am a JUSTICE person. NOT a GRACE person. My mentality is: you mess up, be prepared to suffer the consequences. That is life. Period. What God has been trying to teach me, however, is that He is the "period."

Are you ever confused with your parenting responsibilities? I AM.

Experiences...circumstances....whatever occurs in the life of my child...at what point is it out of my hands? The line where I end and my child begins...that line is somewhat blurry to me. Does that make sense?

The point that I am trying to make is this: We teach, train, disciple, and love our children then we let them go, right? The question is, WHEN? When do we release them?

Little by little, is the conclusion that I have come to. Day by day.

Lately, I have taken a little trip down memory lane to my teen years. I have avoided going there because let me tell you, I was SO independent & SO headstrong that I got myself into quite a few jams. (To put it lightly.)

I know that those experiences helped shape me into who I am today and I have an awesome testimony and I am thankful to God for bringing me through it all. However, I DON'T want my kids to walk that road. (I have forbidden them to walk it! Can you even do that? Can you forbid another human being to do something?? YOU CAN but you are only fooling yourself if you believe that you have control over someone else's actions. I'm just saying.) Living in rebellion is no laughing matter and the choices that you make as a young adult will impact the rest of your life. I can get kind of crazy about all of this!
The thing is God....He's kinda in this picture....and ultimately, His PURPOSE will win out. He made the plan, knows the plan, holds the plan.

Suddenly I'm realizing that...I have no control. None. Scary concept for a mommy. God is in complete control. My job is to follow & obey Him, trusting that He is busy at work behind the scenes.

Faith. Everything always boils down to FAITH.

Mothering my fourteen-year-old daughter has been especially challenging for me because...guess why???....she is extremely independent!!! Go figure.
She held her head up & looked around from birth practically, walked at nine months, rode her two-wheel bicycle without training wheels at three....she is just an amazing piece of work. Anyway, she has expressed to me that it might be helpful to our relationship if I try and remember what it was like to be her age. boo. Not fun. THAT, my friends, is what my last post was about.

By the GRACE of God and through His MERCY, my heart was changed and my life was redeemed. I don't want to look back. It's frightful to look back. OH! YES! I am reminded of a quote..."it's o.k. to look back, just don't stare." That seems to fit this situation. God is asking me to go back and recall some memories that will help me to better understand my teenagers. He has also placed the concept of GRACE squarely in front of me. He is showing me how much I like GRACE....on MY terms.
I love, love, love to receive it...but giving it....that's another story.

It's funny how circumstances in my life can seem to be so much about someone else and their issues when really...God is graciously pointing out my own YUCK and gently asking me to clean it up.

I hope my previous post makes more sense now.

There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. Robert Louis Stevenson

2009-06-16T06:32:00.000-07:00

June 16, 2009

Even though it isn't officially "summer" yet, it dang sure feels like the "dog days"!!!!!

I am very scared of July & August! This Texas heat kills me.

However, these hot days do bring some good times, I must say.

Like...

Sleeping in.

No schedule. Three cheers for that!!

Fresh tomatoes.

Longer days! Yea!!!

Popsicles.

And of course, tons of water fun for this family...

the pool, beach, river...is LIFE in the summer.

What about star gazing??

BBQ's...

The extra time to JUST BE...

Sun kissed cheeks...

Iced tea with lemon...

Wearing next to nothing.

Yes, I do believe that the gifts of our friend Summer are worth the heat that comes along with them.

Happy hotness!

Your diamonds are not in far distant mountains or yonder seas; they are in your own backyard, if you but dig for them. Russell H. Conwell

2009-06-06T12:55:00.000-07:00

June 6, 2009

Today is Saturday.

It has been a regular old day today.

Got up & squeezed in my morning walk/run before Abbi's swim meet. Excellent time of worship even though it was rather brief.

Swim meet went well. Abbi loves the water. She is secretly a mermaid. That is what I suspect.

Didn't want to start the housework but couldn't put it off another second. Dove right in and it wasn't so bad.

Had a good little cry because my dad would have been THE FIRST person to call and tell us that Bailor was in the newspaper. FOR SURE. He would have been OVER THE MOON about it! Come to think of it...he probably is over the moon.....somewhere. :)

Observed the very comical sight of Randy, Preston, & Abbi changing the fish aquarium water. Listening to them amused me for the entire three hours it took to get the job done.

Hannah packed for camp. I did zero to help her. Don't get me wrong, I would have gladly helped out but Miss Independent was a busy bee and managed quite well on her own. She did her laundry, ironed her clothes, gathered all the misc. items on her list, packed it all up... everything. She will run a home very nicely some day.

Bailor lounged around. He says that he was doing "research" on how to improve the quality of his movie making craft because he "is in the hot seat now"(referring to the upcoming film contest) after that write-up in the paper. He showed me how much better his new blood recipe looks and how he's been filming in black & white and how cool it's turning out. When I look at him...I see passion. Passion is so very good to see...especially in the eyes of your seventeen-year-old boy.

Randy & the kids came in from Petco with new rawhide bones for the dogs. NOTHING could please those mutts more than a new bone. Roxy had hers between her paws, completely concentrating on it with every fiber of her being. You just don't mess with a dog & her bone.

SO, that is how my day has unfolded. You know what?
All the while that I dusted, vacuumed, sorted through schoolbooks, did laundry...I clung to every moment.
I am sure that it appeared that I was in my own little world. Unaware.

But I SO was not. Today, I was in OUR world. The world of this family, at this moment in time. For this much I know. I will merely blink and my sweet, sweet world of Saturday, June the 6th, 2009 will be gone. Forever.

It was a regular old day today.

That's how it works.

Just like magic.

When my spirit grows faint within me, it is YOU who know my way. Psalm 142:3

2009-06-05T04:56:00.000-07:00

June 5, 2009

WARNING: not a feel good post.

I awoke today in a bad place.

The kind of place that feels like jail because you can't just get up and walk out. That's where I am mentally...STUCK behind bars. In jail.

It feels like solitary confinement. It FEELS like...I am not saying this is how it actually is but I feel as though I am all alone. It is very dark.
It is very scary. How on EARTH did I get here?

Confusion.

My heartbeat pounds within my chest and I must remind myself to take a good, deep breath every now and then or I will suffocate.

Not only am I imprisoned in this "jail"...I am insane. I MUST be.

Because, the keys are sitting right beside me.

You know....the keys to the lock on the door that can release me from this dreadful place. They are within my reach. Looking at them, I think..."I should really pick up those keys and try to get out of here."
But I do not do it.

WHY not, you say?

"Maybe they aren't the right ones and they will not work," I think.

Deep down, I know that those are the keys to that lock. I absolutely KNOW they are. Still...
I sit & stare at them instead of picking them up.

So...I warned you that this is lunacy we are talking about...I frantically look about the room....searching for a different way out! Nothing. But walls. And they are moving in on me.

I want to cry...I feel it swirling around inside of my heart...the need to just let go AND fall...crash into a billion shattered little pieces.

But today is not the day for that. Breathe in.

I want to scream...I feel it raging in side of my chest...the desire to deeply wound...to punish...(or just punch really, EXTREMELY hard.)
But I mustn't do that. CPS.

What I really want to do is evaporate into thin air...I feel my HOPE vaporizing...why not all of me disappear?

Now, THAT would be a relief.

The keys are still there.
Saying "pick us up...what are you waiting for? Silly."

They only mean well.

But since I am a prisoner & mentally SICK & hopeless for right this second...I ignore them.

When I am very close to DEAD,

I will pick them up.

Find the right key.

Open up the door.

Walk out of this place that I hate.

And I will be free again.

Gal. 5:12
It is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us FREE. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of SLAVERY.

Matthew 11:28-30
"COME TO ME, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take MY YOKE upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For MY YOKE IS EASY & MY BURDEN IS LIGHT."

Now FAITH is being SURE of what we HOPE for and CERTAIN of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

2009-05-30T09:32:00.000-07:00

May 30, 2009

A while back Preston & Abbi found some tiny little caterpillars and wanted to keep them as "pets."

We decided to put them in an aquarium and observe them...see what would happen.

We looked up some info. online and figured out that they were moth caterpillars. They were not going to make a cocoon. Instead they would "burrow" down into the dirt, stay there for a while changing, and then emerge transformed...into a moth!

The kids put random dirt, sticks & leaves into the aquarium, fed them lettuce, tomatoes and who knows what else. The neighbor kids came over and handled them way too much. Poor things. But.....children are so out of touch with nature these days (my personal opinion) and this was a little bit of nature in their suburban world.

I just went with it.

Sad part: one died. I thought "uh-oh....great....the fun's over."

Then. They disappeared.

The kids told their friends that

"they burrowed down into the dirt and that they were changing and we're going to have moths soon!!!"

To which their friends responded,

"There are no caterpillars down in that dirt. Nothing's in there"

I overheard that comment and it highly annoyed me. grrrrrr.

But, deep down it seemed like another dreadful truth.

Something else that didn't survive...

Bummer.

Lots of time went by.

The aquarium looked dry...empty...barren.

It sat in the hot garage. Off to the side.

I hoped that the kids would forget about it...

move on.

This morning we walked in from Abbi's swim meet and look what we discovered...

I looked at Preston, he looked at me, we screamed for Abbi...

she ran to us...

we all looked at the aquarium...

"They survived!!!!"

We took off the lid...

the tiniest bit of movement from one...

Oh my! Ohhh my!

Oh my goodness!!!!

"they made it!"

Preston gently held one up for a picture because we

needed proof that they were

"alive!!!"

then off they fluttered....

the God of all grace...after you have suffered a little while, will HIMSELF restore you and make you STRONG, FIRM & STEADFAST

2009-05-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

May 28, 2009

Y'all! I am so excited!!!

I will show you why!

I hate it when I have to do this

but...

I took pictures of myself.

(Cringe)

Hannah was not home from school yet and I couldn't wait!!

Besides, she gives me a hard time about taking photos of me

because she's sooooo busy with her LIFE (roll eyes)...

Anyway!!

I was in the mood for a change.

Because things...

they are a changin' around here.

In ways that I haven't quite figured out.

See how I changed my blog up! :):)

SO.

I have made up my mind to just go with it!

O.k., this is SO

really

not

a big deal.

But...

LOOK!!!!!

I....

got....

BANGS!!!!!!!!!

And they are making me very, very sassy!!!

(More changes to come...)